SHOOTING STARR AND WOMEN OUT OF UNIFORM
- by Bill Feeney, posted to the Internet December 4, 1996


Floodlight Findings From Feeney
[This is a satirical story, for amusement only.]

This intrepid (and modest) reporter has obtained a transcript of recent confidential discussions in the Oval Office of the White House. President Bill Clinton and others discuss how they can deal with several ongoing problems.

The transcript (expletives deleted) comes from a tape made by the infamous recording system used for the Watergate transcripts of the Nixon Presidency. The system was turned off around the time Nixon's Presidency was collapsing, but had been repaired and updated as this reporter wrote several months back in his article entitled LIVING UP TO THE PROMISE OF THE PRESIDENCY.

As reported previously, the Oval Office recording system was turned back on in the afternoon of January 20, 1993. Memos written by David Watkins, White House administrator at the time, indicate that Hillary gave him a direct order to make any needed repairs and turn the taping system back on. He quotes her as saying "Turn it back on or there will be hell to pay! Get me transcripts of any meetings that Bill has with any females present. Once he knows that the Oval Office is bugged again, he at least can't have his bimbos there. Also, it needs to record telephone conversations." Watkins complied with the command, but was later fired after using the President's helicopter, Marine One, as a golf cart.

Hillary at first said that she knew nothing about the recording system. Then she said that she was generally aware of it, but wasn't involved in any decisions. Now she says that she didn't make the decision to turn the recording system back on, but had expressed general concern that nothing improper was done relative to the recording system.

This tape begins with Bill Clinton answering the telephone:

CLINTON: Hello, you have reached Bill Clinton - the first Democratic President to be re-elected since Franklin Roosevelt. Also, one of only seven Democratic Presidents to serve two consecutive terms and . . . .

HUBBELL: Sorry to interrupt Mr. President, but I'm calling from the halfway house and can't talk long. Saw the headline the other day: "CLINTON PARDONS TURKEY." Didn't have change to buy the newspaper, but I assume that it's Jim McDougal that you are pardoning. How can you do that when he has cooperated with Starr?

CLINTON: I'm not! No decision has been made about any pardons yet. The story was really about a turkey being pardoned. He escaped being a Thanksgiving meal.

HUBBELL: When will a decision be made about pardons for us? The election's over.

[ring ring]

CLINTON: Soon. Gotta go. Other line is ringing. Best of luck! (click)

CLINTON: Hello, you have reached Bill Clinton - the first Democratic President to be re-elected since Franklin Roosevelt. Also, one of only seven Democratic Presidents to serve two consecutive terms and . . . .

CARVILLE: Mr. President, James here. I didn't mean to interrupt, but if you give me your standard answer I won't get back to trashing Starr in time to save your second term. You may get pulled down to Earth by a certain shooting Starr, know what I mean?

CLINTON: I hear ya, James. Hillary, Leon Panetta, and George Stephanopoulos just came in. Putting you on the speaker phone. (Click.) James just suggested that we refer to Ken Starr as the "Shooting Starr." Thoughts?

CARVILLE: Mr. President, I didn't mean to suggest that, but its a good variation on your brilliant idea of trashing Starr. We'll say that Ken Starr is a "Shooting Starr" who is "gunning for the President."

HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON: But everyone knows that it's me that he's gunning for. So how do we tie him to assassins?

STEPHANOPOULOS: We'll say that Starr is trying to assassinate the President and First Lady in court similar to that extremist who gunned down Israeli leader Rabin last year.

PANETTA: How can we say that Starr bringing prosecutions in court is like a mad gunman? I don't think that we can get away with that.

CLINTON: Look, I've been thinking about bringing Rick Kaplan, ABC News producer on board. He knows where the bodies are buried at ABC and the other news operations. He's done a lot for me at ABC, but we think that he can do more right in the White House. Plus, Craig Livingstone has copies of FBI and IRS files on most news anchors and network news officials.

Never underestimate what we can pull off. Remember, we got a virtual network blockade against Gary Aldrich. Only Brinkley at ABC refused to go along. And then he has the nerve to say that my reelection means four more years of "G__ D___ nonsense."

Well, &%#! Brinkley. Let's see how he likes that IRS audit from hell. He's just a boring old man and I'm the bridge to the 21st century - the first Democratic President to be re-elected since Franklin Roosevelt. Also, one of only seven Democratic Presidents to serve two consecutive terms and . . . .

RODHAM: Bill! We don't have time to hear that &%#! again. James, what about the gun angle?

CARVILLE: Livingstone and Marcecca have got background, personnel, FBI, and IRS records on Ken Starr. He shot a BB gun when he was a kid. It held more than thirty BBs.

STEPHANOPOULOS: Great! Sounds like an assault weapon to me!

RODHAM: How do we tie him to extremist groups?

CARVILLE: Got that covered too. Starr gave a speech to some bar group in Chicago or Detroit a week or two ago. Marcecca and Livingstone, operating through intermediaries, set up our operation to catch the falling Starr. They hired a member of the Michigan Militia and a member of the Montana Freemen to go to Starr's speech. The two militia members thought they were going undercover to scope out Starr for possible later covert action on behalf of the militia groups. Instead, we got photos of Starr shaking hands with the two militia members after the speech.

CLINTON: James, remind me to give you a raise as soon as the next shipment of Lippo money comes in!

CARVILLE: It gets better. When Starr gave a speech at Oklahoma City, he stayed at the same hotel that a KKK Grand Wizard stayed at.

RODHAM: How does that help us?

CARVILLE: At the hotel checkout counter, Starr dropped his credit card paperwork. The KKK Wizard picked it up and gave it to Starr. Are you ready for this? We have that on video tape and can make stills of it.

STEPHANOPOULOS: So our spin is that Starr is an assault weapons nut in league with the militia and KKK?

CLINTON: We also have to make the case that Starr is guilty of McCarthyism. You know, guilt by association. The press eats that &%#! up!

CARVILLE: As luck would have it, the John Birch Society had a meeting at that same Oklahoma City hotel that Starr stayed at. Their meeting was over a year before, shortly after the bombing of the Oklahoma City federal building.

PANETTA: Isn't that a stretch? Also, haven't we milked the Oklahoma bombing dry by this point?

CLINTON: Not by a longshot! The Birch Society thing is perfect. I know just how to play that.

STEPHANOPOULOS: But what about pardons to close down Starr's investigation?

PANETTA: Pardons are a bad idea. Congress will revolt and may start to consider impeachment.

RODHAM: Leon, don't give us that &%#! Without a smoking gun, they won't dare do a thing. And we've built a stonewall around Bill's involvement provided that I and the others are pardoned.

[ring ring]

CLINTON: Look that's one of my attorneys. I have know how to play the pardon issue, but you have to go. Leon, good luck in California. Hope you enjoyed your going away party. Since this is your last day on the job, the others and I will work out details later.

[sounds of all exiting the room except for Bill Clinton]

CLINTON: Hello, you have reached Bill Clinton - the first Democratic President to be re-elected since Franklin Roosevelt. Also, one of only seven Democratic Presidents to serve two consecutive terms and . . . .

BENNETT: Pardon me, Mr. President. Sorry to interrupt, but I bill by the hour. Ah . . . sorry for my bad choice of words there. I got the message that you wanted to talk this afternoon.

CLINTON: Is it too late to change my briefs?

BENNETT: Sir, what do you mean?

CLINTON: I want to change my briefs in the Paula Jones suit now at the Supreme Court. I want to put back in the "it's like I'm on active duty in the Army" defense. I'll have the Secretary of Defense send me TD . . .Q to Aberdeen - site of the Army sex scandal.

BENNETT: TDY, sir.

CLINTON: Whatever. Can you help me out?

BENNETT: Sorry, Mr. President. It's too late to change your briefs.

CLINTON: &%#!. Thanks for calling anyway. Catch you later. (click)

END OF TAPE TRANSCRIPT.

Two weeks later, after Panetta and Stephanopoulos had both left their White House jobs, President Bill Clinton gave a speech.

PARTIAL TRANSCRIPT OF PRESIDENTIAL SPEECH TO THE NATION:

My fellow Americans I ask for your attention to discuss two important issues facing the country.

First, as you know, the Army has been rocked by a sex scandal. Harassment and even worse has happened to our women in uniform, although they may have been out of uniform at the time that they were victimized.

Anyone who uses a position of authority to take advantage of young women is lower than low. Those Army personnel who may have engaged in that conduct will be required to tell their techniques . . I mean stories to me at a training . . . I mean sensitivity training session. As you know, I've fought against sex harassment harder than any other president.

Those women who may have been selfishly exploited by those in authority will then be brought in so that I may feel their . . . pain. No matter how deeply I have to probe, I'll get to the bottom of this matter.

I will personally make sure that the exploited women don't have to stay in their current positions, but have a chance to assume new positions. Positions that are appropriate for their talents and that they will find satisfying. No matter how hard it is, I will be firm in laying . . . that bridge to the 21st century. No one will be left without a way to get over . . . that bridge.

As long as I am President, there won't be any doubt as to who's on top of sex harassment in this country. Before discussing the other main issue tonight, I want to report on some other matters about that bridge to the 21st century.

[Reporter's note: To avoid running out of ink, we delete a fifty-five minute portion of the President's speech dealing with school uniforms, his paid volunteer program, his plan to have the Department of Transportation help soccer Moms get their kids to soccer practice on time, his plan to fight crime by expanding midnight basketball programs to include midnight soccer, his plan to have the Department of Education ban rubber bands from schools since kids might get hit in the eyes, and other LESS substantive issues.]

I and my staff have been working harder than we've ever worked in our lives to help all Americans get across that bridge to the 21st century. Yet, there are those who, for partisan political reasons, don't want to unite the country behind my plans to make life better for all Americans. Instead, they want to engage in the politics of personal destruction. They want to trash me, the First Lady, and my administration in their desperate attempt to block us from getting to that bridge together. They cannot be allowed to succeed.

It has come to my attention that Kenneth Starr, the so-called Independent Whitewater Prosecutor, has conferred with members of the Michigan Militia and Montana Freeman. I show you two photographs of Starr shaking hands with these extremists. Now here is a photograph of Starr being handed instructions by a Grand Wizard of the Klu Klux Klan. That photograph was taken at the Oklahoma City hotel used by the John Birch Society for a meeting shortly after the terrorist bombing of the federal building that killed so many including the young children. Starr has engaged in the same McCarthyite tactics of guilt by association as the John Birch Society. Starr has previously shot military style assault weapons. He is a shooting Starr clearly now gunning for me, the First Lady, my friends, and others helping build that bridge to the 21st century.

We can't allow the forces of darkness to prevail. The KKK, militia extremists, Republican extremists, especially Speaker Newt Gingrich, and his extremist freshmen supporters, the NRA, the tobacco industry, and, yes, the John Birch Society, have all been cooperating with Starr to blow up that bridge to the 21st century. As President of all the people, I refuse to stand by and watch them destroy all the good that I and my administration are doing for Americans.

I had hoped that Starr would stop his persecution of my administration. I hoped that the steps I am announcing tonight would not be necessary. Yet, when the shocking stories of Starr's extremism and connection with anti-government and anti- progress zealots came to my attention, I had to act. I simply can't stand by and let the bombers of the Oklahoma federal building and their friends and allies block our progress.

I am reluctantly ordering Attorney General Janet Reno to fire Kenneth Starr, the independent prosecutor who has been gunning for my wife in an indirect attempt to get me. Similar to the way that some men in the Army have abused our brave women in uniform, Starr has put Susan McDougal in a prison uniform and has abused her. He tried to get her to lie about me, my wife, and my administration. Fortunately, she resisted his threats and intimidation.

Also, I want to make sure that my administration can get back to the business of helping you, the American people. Therefore, we will close the chapter on the various phony scandals. Tonight, I am pardoning Susan McDougal, Web Hubbell, Jim Guy Tucker, James McDougal, Bernie Nusbaum, Maggie Williams, Craig Livingstone, Anthony Marceca, John Huang, James Riady, and others who will be listed in a 300-page Presidential order that will be provided to the press.

Among the others on that list are me and my wife, the First Lady. All charges against us are completely groundless, just like the phony charges against the other hundreds of people on the list. I know that I'll be criticized for including myself and my wife. Both of us hoped that we would get a fair chance to present our case in court. However, we refused to take the easy way out by clearing our names in court. We sacrificed the easy way in order to concentrate on helping the American people. My work in servicing the American people shall go on.

One last item about Starr. I pledged that my administration would be "the most ethical in history." Toward that end, in addition to Reno firing Starr, FBI Director Lewis Freeh is issuing a press release. That press release, prepared with the help of my aide George Stephanopoulos prior to his recent departure, confirms that a criminal investigation is being conducted of Kenneth Starr. The investigation will consider whether Starr obstructed justice by having LA police detective Mark Fuhrman and/or Sen. Alfonse D'Amato plant the missing Rose Law firm billing records in Hillary's work room in the White House personal residence area in order to frame her. The press release details other charges against Starr also including conspiracy to obstruct justice, fraud, embezzlement, abuse of government funds, sexual harassment of Susan McDougal, and making copies of a crossword puzzle on the government copy machine.

The actions that I announce tonight will no doubt be used by the enemies of progress to attack me and my administration. Remember that those who make the attacks are part of the forces of extremism stretching from the militia movement, KKK, John Birch Society, and Republican extremists. They don't want us to succeed in helping the American people.

As I recently told my friend and former family values campaign advisor, Dick Morris, this administration will never again be caught with its pants down, whether the issue is sex harassment or the extremist campaign to blow up the bridge to the 21st century. We will be vigilant.

The American people spoke loud and clear in the last election. The forces of darkness, try as they might, will not undo that election by the politics of personal destruction.

Good night. God bless you. Is this a great country or what?

END PARTIAL TRANSCRIPT

White House sources off the record have said that the speech can be understood as having three parts. The first part about the Army sex scandal was added by Clinton at the last minute and without his speechwriters' knowledge. The second part, not included in the above transcript and dealing with school uniforms, etc., was written by the speechwriters. The second part insured that most people had fallen asleep, turned off the TV or changed channels before the third part of the speech discussing the firing of Starr and the pardons. The third part of the speech was prepared by the speechwriters except that Clinton ad-libbed the remark about Morris and getting caught with pants down.

Another frustrated White House source said off the record that the speech was vintage Clinton - brilliant in parts, disastrous in other parts. The source thought that the parts trashing Starr were brilliant, but in the first part of the speech dealing the Army sex scandal "Clinton has again exposed himself on the sex harassment issue." The source said that nobody at the White House dared to tell Clinton that he messed up on the sex harassment issue. The source said, "Everybody remembers that bad things happened to the boy who told the Emperor that he had no clothes on."

Copyright (c) 1996 Bill Feeney (Bill_Feeney@prodigy.com) - permission granted to freely copy and redistribute (including posting on usenet, BBS, bulletin boards of on-line service providers) provided this copyright notice is included and the article is not sold or part of a book which is sold. Permission also granted for radio use provided that attribution is given to the author.